It looks like 2011 will be a year I lost few things. The most important thing being the health. And as fleeting as that is, I had been blessed enough not to experience any major health issues up until now. I guess 28/29 years without a major incident is really good and I’m thankful for that. I guess it was just a question of time... However, I also believe that this will be a year when I not only gained a (slightly) new perspective on life and things, but also some new experiences, friendships and maybe even opportunities. And I believe I will get the health back also, even if for just a certain period of time.
Here are the 3 entries from a while back that I haven’t posted yet:
02-06-11
I wonder if things will ever go back to normal again. But then again, what is “normal”?
Today I had my first appointment with the oncologist. It was more of a meeting, an introduction to the doctor and details of the suggested treatment. As I had learned already, the recommendation on my treatment is a 5-week radiotherapy combined with a pill chemotherapy which I will undergo every week-day on an outpatient basis (if all goes smoothly). Then the 5- to 6-week break to let the tumour “fry” and the surrounding area to rest and heal. Statistically the results and the success rate of getting the cancer out without recurring are supposed to be better with the pre-surgery treatment. Five percent or so. I know it does not sound like much, but if I was to fall within those 5%, I’d rather improve my odds, even though it comes at a cost. And of course, nothing can be guaranteed. There is always the less successful part of the statistics. But, then again what is really guaranteed in this life?
03-06-11
I had my first tattoos done today. Well, not quite. They are the three little permanent blue “beauty spots” to mark places on my abdomen for the radiotherapy alignment, so the sessions can be quick and accurate. Although the spots should fade over time, it’s sort of a pre-cursor of the permanent “marks” that the radiotherapy will have on my body. The main one being the effect on my ovaries. Even though there are exceptions to every rule, the amount of the dose I will be undergoing stops the function of the ovaries in 95% of women (or so). I did always say that I want to adopt anyway... Perhaps, this will be the only “permanent mark” of the radiotherapy on my body. I’m not sure. What I am sure, however, is to want to do as much as possible to cure the cancer and to help avoid the recurrence. I’m not sure I would have as much optimism and faith if or when it returns.
But now, the sun is shining and I am hopeful we are on the right track to recovery. Although, I still have to wait until my treatment begins. In the meantime I will try to keep you posted about my hopes and worries while describing the process and progress of waiting.
17-06-11
Sometimes, I wish I could just run away, run away from it all. Disappear from here somewhere, where the sun is shining bright all the time, day and night, where reality loses its meaning. Sometimes, I wish things were a little less complicated and this life a bit less of a roller-coaster. But, I have to be strong, I made some promises I need and want to keep. I want to be strong and face the reality. It is nice to disappear into the realm of dreams, although only temporarily.
______________________________________________________________________
Two weekends and a work week divide me from the Monday when my treatment begins. Mixed feelings, a bit of a worry, but I can’t wait to begin. The earlier it starts, the better it should be and I will feel we are doing something to battle this thing. And I have been waiting long enough. Too long maybe. It’s been dragging for weeks since my diagnosis, months since my problems began. But I know, these things need time to be planned and planned well, exactly to my specific needs. Tests needed to be done to find out as much about the tumour as possible through scans only.
I don’t know what the treatment will do to me and no one can really predict or guarantee that the results will be all positive. However, such is life. We take risks every day, for bettering ourselves, to have a better life and in this case it can prolong the life and improve its quality. Living with cancer definitely isn’t easy and I can imagine that more advanced and developed it becomes, the quality of life diminishes drastically. Like (probably) all other people going through similar things, I too want to be cured, want to have a longer opportunity to live and live fully…
Saturday, 25 June 2011
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Uncertainty
Frozen in uncertainty, I raise my eyes to you.
Open up your drapes of mystery, let me see the truth.
I know there's a beauty in not knowing everything
but bittersweet, indeed.
The rays are coming out
bringing hope into this overcast reality.
Rain drops soothe my broken dreams, my entity,
They heal the cracks in my damaged heart,
refresh the veins that bring the life inside.
White puffy clouds are playing games with wind.
Who will win the race when the darkness falls?
Open up your drapes of mystery, let me see the truth.
I know there's a beauty in not knowing everything
but bittersweet, indeed.
The rays are coming out
bringing hope into this overcast reality.
Rain drops soothe my broken dreams, my entity,
They heal the cracks in my damaged heart,
refresh the veins that bring the life inside.
White puffy clouds are playing games with wind.
Who will win the race when the darkness falls?
Saturday, 4 June 2011
Days after...
It has been few weeks since I received the news that will define the rest of this year, if not the rest of my life. I was hoping that 2011 was going to be the year when my career finally transitions into the level that I had long awaited and I will be able to truthfully say: “I love my job.” I was well on track with the preparation and working on the strategy and steps to make my creative skills and abilities more marketable when the news arrived.
It wasn’t a totally unexpected blow from heavens such as some other tragedies may be. There were signs. It all began with subtle symptoms that gradually progressed and worsened bit by bit. Of course, these symptoms could have had many explanations; they could be the result of several different health conditions. But, it took a couple of visits to general practice doctors before they recommended me to a specialist. Several months, one basic exam and flexible sigmoidoscopy later, I found out I will need a surgery to remove “a lesion” from the inside of my colon. The news was worse than I expected (as I’ve never even stayed in the hospital myself). Prior to that I had become to think I have colitis or something similar based on researching the symptoms online. I really did not expect that the surgery would be a necessity. Although to be honest, there were moments during the time before the “diagnosis” when I was suspecting the worse possibilities/causes of my problems. However, I managed to persuade myself, even if for a certain period of time, that I am just being paranoid.
Perhaps, I should really listen to and trust these instincts of mine, this certain kind of “sixth” sense, more. Even the dreams warned me two times before I finally went to the doctor. But by knowing me, you would probably know that I avoid doctors until they are really necessary. I guess it runs in the family. It might have not been the best case scenario in this instance...
After few days since finding out about the necessity of the surgery, I came to terms with the news and felt more comfortable about it. After all, people undergo surgeries all the time and live after them the same way, sometimes even better, as before. I didn’t really expect that the results of biopsy would make any difference to what I already knew... Until I haven’t heard back from the nurse as promised. It was a day after and couple of my own attempts at reaching her, when she said those words: “It is a cancer.”
My world had spun several times around in the matter of seconds. Parts of my life surfacing in front of my eyes. Am I going to die? Soon? How soon? I am not ready to die! I know we all die sooner or later and none of us exactly knows when. But...the tears were rolling down my cheeks, my body trembling as a result of some psycho-physical and chemical reaction. It truly felt surreal. Yes, it crossed my mind before that it is cancer, but I almost ridiculed myself for the thought. Others were skeptical, too. “It just can’t be...” It still felt surreal, perhaps the most surreal I had ever felt in my life. You hear it all the time, you read about it everywhere and I’ve even known people who have had and gone through cancer themselves. But it never came so close, never felt so close. These days one in three or four people develops some type of cancer at some point during their lifetime. How crazy this statistic is? Yet we still somehow think or hope we will not be one of those “chosen” ones.
The news has slowly sunk in and became the part of my reality. The whirlwind of emotions was strong. From utter helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, fear, true and honest fear, confusion, questioning... I cried. I meditated. I prayed for strength. I prayed for cure. I cried some more. People made me smile and comforted me and it helped me to calm down and accept the reality. Whatever happens happens for a reason. Whatever that reason might be, whatever the outcome of it all may be. Only time will show.
It wasn’t the end, it is not the end. MRI and CT scans followed as well as the longest 40 hours or so. Waiting for a death sentence. It did feel like it at moments. Has the cancer spread to other organs, or is there still a chance for cure? Do I have 90% chance of cure and survival, or am I one of those less fortunate “less than 10%” group?
It has not spread. Finally, a bit of positive news in these complicated weeks. I’m not one of those patients with the earliest diagnosis; however I have a good chance at cure and getting back to “normal.” I truly felt I wasn’t ready to leave. There is still too much I would like to do, experience and accomplish. Hopefully, I will have plenty of time to at least attempt doing these things. I am optimistic. I know that coming weeks, months really, will not be easy and there will be moments when I will probably feel miserable and tired. However, I am optimistic and (right now) I am in peace with whatever the result will be. I haven’t begun the treatment yet, but it should begin within few weeks. The fight will begin. I will undergo radio and chemo therapy before the surgery. Then, the surgery will tell what is next, what will follow. It will take months, but for the prospect of being cured and healthy again, it might not be such a big price to pay. We shall see. I will hope and pray for full recovery. In the meantime, I cherish and enjoy every day, every little thing. The sun shining, bee flying from flower to flower, clouds making their own impressions of things, children laughing, breeze playing with my hair, every new sight, every pleasant scent, warm feeling on my cheeks, peaceful serenity, even my own melancholy. It’s easy to complain, but it will make no change. Life is to be lived.
Be thankful for even the little things.
It wasn’t a totally unexpected blow from heavens such as some other tragedies may be. There were signs. It all began with subtle symptoms that gradually progressed and worsened bit by bit. Of course, these symptoms could have had many explanations; they could be the result of several different health conditions. But, it took a couple of visits to general practice doctors before they recommended me to a specialist. Several months, one basic exam and flexible sigmoidoscopy later, I found out I will need a surgery to remove “a lesion” from the inside of my colon. The news was worse than I expected (as I’ve never even stayed in the hospital myself). Prior to that I had become to think I have colitis or something similar based on researching the symptoms online. I really did not expect that the surgery would be a necessity. Although to be honest, there were moments during the time before the “diagnosis” when I was suspecting the worse possibilities/causes of my problems. However, I managed to persuade myself, even if for a certain period of time, that I am just being paranoid.
Perhaps, I should really listen to and trust these instincts of mine, this certain kind of “sixth” sense, more. Even the dreams warned me two times before I finally went to the doctor. But by knowing me, you would probably know that I avoid doctors until they are really necessary. I guess it runs in the family. It might have not been the best case scenario in this instance...
After few days since finding out about the necessity of the surgery, I came to terms with the news and felt more comfortable about it. After all, people undergo surgeries all the time and live after them the same way, sometimes even better, as before. I didn’t really expect that the results of biopsy would make any difference to what I already knew... Until I haven’t heard back from the nurse as promised. It was a day after and couple of my own attempts at reaching her, when she said those words: “It is a cancer.”
My world had spun several times around in the matter of seconds. Parts of my life surfacing in front of my eyes. Am I going to die? Soon? How soon? I am not ready to die! I know we all die sooner or later and none of us exactly knows when. But...the tears were rolling down my cheeks, my body trembling as a result of some psycho-physical and chemical reaction. It truly felt surreal. Yes, it crossed my mind before that it is cancer, but I almost ridiculed myself for the thought. Others were skeptical, too. “It just can’t be...” It still felt surreal, perhaps the most surreal I had ever felt in my life. You hear it all the time, you read about it everywhere and I’ve even known people who have had and gone through cancer themselves. But it never came so close, never felt so close. These days one in three or four people develops some type of cancer at some point during their lifetime. How crazy this statistic is? Yet we still somehow think or hope we will not be one of those “chosen” ones.
The news has slowly sunk in and became the part of my reality. The whirlwind of emotions was strong. From utter helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, fear, true and honest fear, confusion, questioning... I cried. I meditated. I prayed for strength. I prayed for cure. I cried some more. People made me smile and comforted me and it helped me to calm down and accept the reality. Whatever happens happens for a reason. Whatever that reason might be, whatever the outcome of it all may be. Only time will show.
It wasn’t the end, it is not the end. MRI and CT scans followed as well as the longest 40 hours or so. Waiting for a death sentence. It did feel like it at moments. Has the cancer spread to other organs, or is there still a chance for cure? Do I have 90% chance of cure and survival, or am I one of those less fortunate “less than 10%” group?
It has not spread. Finally, a bit of positive news in these complicated weeks. I’m not one of those patients with the earliest diagnosis; however I have a good chance at cure and getting back to “normal.” I truly felt I wasn’t ready to leave. There is still too much I would like to do, experience and accomplish. Hopefully, I will have plenty of time to at least attempt doing these things. I am optimistic. I know that coming weeks, months really, will not be easy and there will be moments when I will probably feel miserable and tired. However, I am optimistic and (right now) I am in peace with whatever the result will be. I haven’t begun the treatment yet, but it should begin within few weeks. The fight will begin. I will undergo radio and chemo therapy before the surgery. Then, the surgery will tell what is next, what will follow. It will take months, but for the prospect of being cured and healthy again, it might not be such a big price to pay. We shall see. I will hope and pray for full recovery. In the meantime, I cherish and enjoy every day, every little thing. The sun shining, bee flying from flower to flower, clouds making their own impressions of things, children laughing, breeze playing with my hair, every new sight, every pleasant scent, warm feeling on my cheeks, peaceful serenity, even my own melancholy. It’s easy to complain, but it will make no change. Life is to be lived.
Be thankful for even the little things.
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