5th October 2011

Is my nightmare of 2011 over? I truly hope so. I know it hasn’t been as much of a nightmare as so many of other, more serious and alarming issues in the world. I know people go through so many and so much worse things in life every day. Still, the last several months have not been easy for me either. It’s been a bad dream that seems to be over, even if for now.


My bad dream began toward the end of the last year when certain symptoms began surfacing to my attention. It didn’t seem as anything “that” serious at first, but as these symptoms gradually worsened so did my general well-being. I became increasingly uncomfortable, tired and perhaps more boring, too. However, the really difficult part of it all began in May with my diagnosis. After that some difficult months were to follow.

Fortunately for those certain people who really tried to be there for me however they could and made me feel cared for, I had enough strength to face all the smaller and bigger roadblocks that were falling in my way. The first and the biggest one, besides being sick, was losing one person that had mattered to me the most for many years. He had been my partner and best friend, as I had thought up until the time it all fell apart. As it turned out, I wasn’t the most important person in his life anymore. Perhaps, I had never been such person for him, but only he knows the real truth about that. He was there for me the first week or two after the news of my diagnosis, but the distance of his wandering mind became too apparent as it all sunk in. He just could not pretend anymore. In the worst time possible, for me anyway, my heart had shattered into pieces, my confidence in love and trust dropping to almost none.

I know these things happen every day and in all the different ways possible, good and horrible. But, funny enough, they happen when you least expect it. I have known this fact for ages now, but still it is always a surprise when it happens. Things do always happen when you least expect them and it goes for both good and bad things.

My heart is still broken, but I do have a "newly found" freedom, when I can make decisions purely based on what I alone think and want. I now have more time for myself and for trying to figure out how to make my dreams a reality as soon as my condition allows it. It wasn’t easy not to have that special person by my side when I needed it most, but I guess, sometimes, we are supposed to go through certain things “alone.” Of course, I was not totally alone and even though many people could not be by my side in person because of the great distances, they showed their support as they could. They all know who they are (I hope) and I am forever grateful for all their kind words, thoughts, prayers, etc. Without them this journey towards healing might have had been too much.

But, most importantly, holding onto my belief and focusing on getting better with the help of treatments and the operation were the biggest forces behind overcoming this illness. And even though, there were hints of doubt present every now and then, I refused to accept any of them. I know we never know what tomorrow brings, but as one wise person and one of my personal inspirations had said: “Hope dies (as) last.”


It is 5th of October, two weeks after my operation, my grandma’s (from my father’s side) birthday, 4 months before my own birthday. The day as any other, but the phone ringing reminds me of the news I’m supposed to receive. And as expected, it is my nurse from the hospital, checking up on how I’m doing and how I’m coping with the effects of the operation. Then she says, “I have a good news, a great news, in fact. You won’t need any more treatment.” The pathology results came in today and they revealed I am “cancer-free” now. Of course, there are no real guarantees that it will not return later on, but for now, I’ve been cured. What a great sentence to hear and say. How amazingly happy and relieved it makes me to know that I don’t need to go through any more treatment. The pre-operation treatment was a great success, it shrunk the tumor considerably which made it easier for the surgeon to take out all the sick tissue and parts remaining.

Today, I feel truly blessed. Today, I won my fight with cancer. Although, I still have to go through another smaller operation, will need to recover and watch my body and health more closely now, I can start returning to a more “normal” life again. When all the wounds heal.

First holiday after the treatment...

26.08.2011

Day 1 (written on Day 2… Oh, how nice it feels to be away!)

London – leaving in the afternoon from Luton airport to Brno.
The flight was bumpy and as usual, I was struggling to keep my inner self calm during most of the flight, persuading myself that sun awaits me when we land. I don’t know why, but more I fly, the more nervous I become from the whole experience. "Meditation" is not being very successful during the flight itself.

What a summer evening! And how amazing it is to step out of a plane onto a new or well familiar ground. I would love to have the skills and the abilities of a bird, but I do love a firm ground beneath my feet. So, all in all, the day was a success. From 18°C London I found myself in over 30°C Brno (Czech republic). I stayed with my aunt, uncle and cousins, which was very nice. They always make me feel as in my own home.

Day 2 (morning)

The night was very warm but I slept well. I dreamed some dreams but I forgot most of the details already. I had a lovely breakfast that my aunt prepared for me and now I’m sitting in a bus to Olomouc where a friend of mine will be getting ready for her wedding and I will have my hair done. The wedding will take place in (outside of) a smaller, recently renovated, castle called Sovinec. It should be an interesting experience and a lovely day. Let’s hope it will last into the night. I am looking forward to the whole experience.

Day 3: Sunday after the Wedding #1
(writing about the day 2 and day 3)

Day 2 went great. I came to Olomouc according to plans and found my way into the town without much complication. I met my friend and her mom at the wedding salon where she, the bride prepared herself for her big day. Everything went as planned and we arrived at the Sovinec castle some time around 12:45 (I believe). Some people have already gathered on the little parking area below the castle, some waited in the little “restaurant” next to the parking lot. The scenery is really lovely there and parts of the road leading to Sovinec feel like cut out from a fairy tale. The weather was hot and sunny, perfect summer day, although at times a little too hot for a wedding. It was all in all, a lovely location, lovely weather and people joining for the happy occasion.

The wedding ceremony was performed on top of the hill, this little clearing just outside the gate leading into the castle itself. It was quick and the photographs were taken right after the congratulations from the attendees. Afterward, the family and closest friends went on to their celebratory lunch while all of the remaining guests drove off to the little pension called Knezpole in a village not far from the castle. There we all gathered on a terrace right in front of the house and waited for our lunch while enjoying the mixed conversations, introductions and drinks. It is always good when a group of nice people gets together and shares the jokes, experiences and laughs, while listening to the music that brings back similar memories to these people from different areas of life.

The food was delicious, drinks were flowing, but all in a cultivated manner while making people more talkative and relaxed. Although the clouds were beginning to accumulate, the sun was still shining. In the evening the temperature dropped down quite a bit and the sky became overcast. We all went inside for more food, entertainment and some dancing.

Today, my friends and I were one of the first people to get up and go downstairs for breakfast. We all had some scrambled eggs with bread and breakfast tea. After that we also got some espresso with small pastries to wake us up. The sun was shining bright again, but the morning temperature was quite fresh. It looked like another gorgeous day ahead of us. The only other person in the dining area was the groom’s best man. He joined our “all-girl” table and we all shared some casual conversation and few good laughs. As it turned out he had to leave soon and was driving through Olomouc. He had spare room in his car which worked perfectly for the three of us, so we nicely asked him to give us a ride to Olomouc. Soon after, the other people were beginning to come downstairs for breakfast and eventually the newly married couple joined us, too. After a quick chat with them we went up to pack our things and got ready to leave for our journeys ahead.

The drive to Olomouc was fairly quick and relaxed with few more laughs in between. After dropping us at the Olomouc train station, we kindly thanked our driver for the ride and his time. My first train has already left, so I had over an hour to spare and my friends’ train didn’t come until 40 minutes or so later. We bought the tickets and decided to go to the restaurant to kill some time and have something to drink. When the time came we said our goodbyes and my friends got on their train to Bratislava. I went outside to sit on a bench and enjoy the sunshine. It was a glorious day, but I had the whole afternoon and early evening of journey ahead of myself.
I am traveling to Poprad right now. It is about five hour journey with a change and some waiting in Zilina. Then, I still have to take the electric tram from Poprad to Strbske pleso, so depending on a wait it will take another half to an hour more. I probably won’t make it to Novy Smokovec (High Tatras) before 8pm. Oh well, I will have a whole day tomorrow and a bit of Tuesday to enjoy the beautiful scenery of High Tatras. The weather should also be in my favor, let’s hope so!

(more from my summer trip to come…in the meantime, here are some photos from High Tatras and Frankfurt)

http://public.fotki.com/lucye82/summer-trip-2011/

The divide

There is an invisible glass
window in front of me,
in front of you?
I see you and you are looking at me,
perhaps my reflection.
But can you hear me,
can you feel me?
Can you see what I (would) see?

I touch your hand,
your fingertip touching
what seems to be reality.
My? No, perhaps your own,
but what is real when
what I know is not that
which you know.
What I feel is not
what you can feel.

Time

Sifting through the fingers of our destinies,
making our lives temporary realities,
ignoring our desperate attempts
to slow it down, to catch up
and freeze it in our memories.

We keep on running,
running to, running from and away,
searching for ways to slow it down
to stop us from falling
into the trap of our inevitable expiration.
But every day, every moment
brings us closer to what awaits us all.

(Although, it might not be the end...)

Last weekend before the treatment

It looks like 2011 will be a year I lost few things. The most important thing being the health. And as fleeting as that is, I had been blessed enough not to experience any major health issues up until now. I guess 28/29 years without a major incident is really good and I’m thankful for that. I guess it was just a question of time... However, I also believe that this will be a year when I not only gained a (slightly) new perspective on life and things, but also some new experiences, friendships and maybe even opportunities. And I believe I will get the health back also, even if for just a certain period of time.

Here are the 3 entries from a while back that I haven’t posted yet:

02-06-11

I wonder if things will ever go back to normal again. But then again, what is “normal”?

Today I had my first appointment with the oncologist. It was more of a meeting, an introduction to the doctor and details of the suggested treatment. As I had learned already, the recommendation on my treatment is a 5-week radiotherapy combined with a pill chemotherapy which I will undergo every week-day on an outpatient basis (if all goes smoothly). Then the 5- to 6-week break to let the tumour “fry” and the surrounding area to rest and heal. Statistically the results and the success rate of getting the cancer out without recurring are supposed to be better with the pre-surgery treatment. Five percent or so. I know it does not sound like much, but if I was to fall within those 5%, I’d rather improve my odds, even though it comes at a cost. And of course, nothing can be guaranteed. There is always the less successful part of the statistics. But, then again what is really guaranteed in this life?

03-06-11

I had my first tattoos done today. Well, not quite. They are the three little permanent blue “beauty spots” to mark places on my abdomen for the radiotherapy alignment, so the sessions can be quick and accurate. Although the spots should fade over time, it’s sort of a pre-cursor of the permanent “marks” that the radiotherapy will have on my body. The main one being the effect on my ovaries. Even though there are exceptions to every rule, the amount of the dose I will be undergoing stops the function of the ovaries in 95% of women (or so). I did always say that I want to adopt anyway... Perhaps, this will be the only “permanent mark” of the radiotherapy on my body. I’m not sure. What I am sure, however, is to want to do as much as possible to cure the cancer and to help avoid the recurrence. I’m not sure I would have as much optimism and faith if or when it returns.
But now, the sun is shining and I am hopeful we are on the right track to recovery. Although, I still have to wait until my treatment begins. In the meantime I will try to keep you posted about my hopes and worries while describing the process and progress of waiting.

17-06-11

Sometimes, I wish I could just run away, run away from it all. Disappear from here somewhere, where the sun is shining bright all the time, day and night, where reality loses its meaning. Sometimes, I wish things were a little less complicated and this life a bit less of a roller-coaster. But, I have to be strong, I made some promises I need and want to keep. I want to be strong and face the reality. It is nice to disappear into the realm of dreams, although only temporarily.
______________________________________________________________________

Two weekends and a work week divide me from the Monday when my treatment begins. Mixed feelings, a bit of a worry, but I can’t wait to begin. The earlier it starts, the better it should be and I will feel we are doing something to battle this thing. And I have been waiting long enough. Too long maybe. It’s been dragging for weeks since my diagnosis, months since my problems began. But I know, these things need time to be planned and planned well, exactly to my specific needs. Tests needed to be done to find out as much about the tumour as possible through scans only.
I don’t know what the treatment will do to me and no one can really predict or guarantee that the results will be all positive. However, such is life. We take risks every day, for bettering ourselves, to have a better life and in this case it can prolong the life and improve its quality. Living with cancer definitely isn’t easy and I can imagine that more advanced and developed it becomes, the quality of life diminishes drastically. Like (probably) all other people going through similar things, I too want to be cured, want to have a longer opportunity to live and live fully…

Uncertainty

Frozen in uncertainty, I raise my eyes to you.
Open up your drapes of mystery, let me see the truth.
I know there's a beauty in not knowing everything
but bittersweet, indeed.

The rays are coming out
bringing hope into this overcast reality.
Rain drops soothe my broken dreams, my entity,
They heal the cracks in my damaged heart,
refresh the veins that bring the life inside.

White puffy clouds are playing games with wind.
Who will win the race when the darkness falls?

Days after...

It has been few weeks since I received the news that will define the rest of this year, if not the rest of my life. I was hoping that 2011 was going to be the year when my career finally transitions into the level that I had long awaited and I will be able to truthfully say: “I love my job.” I was well on track with the preparation and working on the strategy and steps to make my creative skills and abilities more marketable when the news arrived.

It wasn’t a totally unexpected blow from heavens such as some other tragedies may be. There were signs. It all began with subtle symptoms that gradually progressed and worsened bit by bit. Of course, these symptoms could have had many explanations; they could be the result of several different health conditions. But, it took a couple of visits to general practice doctors before they recommended me to a specialist. Several months, one basic exam and flexible sigmoidoscopy later, I found out I will need a surgery to remove “a lesion” from the inside of my colon. The news was worse than I expected (as I’ve never even stayed in the hospital myself). Prior to that I had become to think I have colitis or something similar based on researching the symptoms online. I really did not expect that the surgery would be a necessity. Although to be honest, there were moments during the time before the “diagnosis” when I was suspecting the worse possibilities/causes of my problems. However, I managed to persuade myself, even if for a certain period of time, that I am just being paranoid.
Perhaps, I should really listen to and trust these instincts of mine, this certain kind of “sixth” sense, more. Even the dreams warned me two times before I finally went to the doctor. But by knowing me, you would probably know that I avoid doctors until they are really necessary. I guess it runs in the family. It might have not been the best case scenario in this instance...

After few days since finding out about the necessity of the surgery, I came to terms with the news and felt more comfortable about it. After all, people undergo surgeries all the time and live after them the same way, sometimes even better, as before. I didn’t really expect that the results of biopsy would make any difference to what I already knew... Until I haven’t heard back from the nurse as promised. It was a day after and couple of my own attempts at reaching her, when she said those words: “It is a cancer.”
My world had spun several times around in the matter of seconds. Parts of my life surfacing in front of my eyes. Am I going to die? Soon? How soon? I am not ready to die! I know we all die sooner or later and none of us exactly knows when. But...the tears were rolling down my cheeks, my body trembling as a result of some psycho-physical and chemical reaction. It truly felt surreal. Yes, it crossed my mind before that it is cancer, but I almost ridiculed myself for the thought. Others were skeptical, too. “It just can’t be...” It still felt surreal, perhaps the most surreal I had ever felt in my life. You hear it all the time, you read about it everywhere and I’ve even known people who have had and gone through cancer themselves. But it never came so close, never felt so close. These days one in three or four people develops some type of cancer at some point during their lifetime. How crazy this statistic is? Yet we still somehow think or hope we will not be one of those “chosen” ones.

The news has slowly sunk in and became the part of my reality. The whirlwind of emotions was strong. From utter helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, fear, true and honest fear, confusion, questioning... I cried. I meditated. I prayed for strength. I prayed for cure. I cried some more. People made me smile and comforted me and it helped me to calm down and accept the reality. Whatever happens happens for a reason. Whatever that reason might be, whatever the outcome of it all may be. Only time will show.
It wasn’t the end, it is not the end. MRI and CT scans followed as well as the longest 40 hours or so. Waiting for a death sentence. It did feel like it at moments. Has the cancer spread to other organs, or is there still a chance for cure? Do I have 90% chance of cure and survival, or am I one of those less fortunate “less than 10%” group?

It has not spread. Finally, a bit of positive news in these complicated weeks. I’m not one of those patients with the earliest diagnosis; however I have a good chance at cure and getting back to “normal.” I truly felt I wasn’t ready to leave. There is still too much I would like to do, experience and accomplish. Hopefully, I will have plenty of time to at least attempt doing these things. I am optimistic. I know that coming weeks, months really, will not be easy and there will be moments when I will probably feel miserable and tired. However, I am optimistic and (right now) I am in peace with whatever the result will be. I haven’t begun the treatment yet, but it should begin within few weeks. The fight will begin. I will undergo radio and chemo therapy before the surgery. Then, the surgery will tell what is next, what will follow. It will take months, but for the prospect of being cured and healthy again, it might not be such a big price to pay. We shall see. I will hope and pray for full recovery. In the meantime, I cherish and enjoy every day, every little thing. The sun shining, bee flying from flower to flower, clouds making their own impressions of things, children laughing, breeze playing with my hair, every new sight, every pleasant scent, warm feeling on my cheeks, peaceful serenity, even my own melancholy. It’s easy to complain, but it will make no change. Life is to be lived.

Be thankful for even the little things.

Fear

What to write? My body feels tired. The stars are shining bright.
Is it trying to tell me that something isn't right?
I'm scared of not knowing, but even more so that I could find
something that would turn off the light
sooner than I would like.

What has happened and what still might,
will I have the power to fight
the battle that might be too tight.
can I overcome the fright
and face the truth.
That would probably be right...

Dreams

Dreams can shatter, dreams can happen.
Dreams do matter, dreams are to be dreamed,
even if they might not become what we wish.
Dreams can lead to fire, but they can inspire, too.
Dreams are what is not, but could be.
It's just in your mind
what you decide to bring into reality.
Not all dreams will happen,
but what would life be,
if we could not dream?