It looks like 2011 will be a year I lost few things. The most important thing being the health. And as fleeting as that is, I had been blessed enough not to experience any major health issues up until now. I guess 28/29 years without a major incident is really good and I’m thankful for that. I guess it was just a question of time... However, I also believe that this will be a year when I not only gained a (slightly) new perspective on life and things, but also some new experiences, friendships and maybe even opportunities. And I believe I will get the health back also, even if for just a certain period of time.
Here are the 3 entries from a while back that I haven’t posted yet:
02-06-11
I wonder if things will ever go back to normal again. But then again, what is “normal”?
Today I had my first appointment with the oncologist. It was more of a meeting, an introduction to the doctor and details of the suggested treatment. As I had learned already, the recommendation on my treatment is a 5-week radiotherapy combined with a pill chemotherapy which I will undergo every week-day on an outpatient basis (if all goes smoothly). Then the 5- to 6-week break to let the tumour “fry” and the surrounding area to rest and heal. Statistically the results and the success rate of getting the cancer out without recurring are supposed to be better with the pre-surgery treatment. Five percent or so. I know it does not sound like much, but if I was to fall within those 5%, I’d rather improve my odds, even though it comes at a cost. And of course, nothing can be guaranteed. There is always the less successful part of the statistics. But, then again what is really guaranteed in this life?
03-06-11
I had my first tattoos done today. Well, not quite. They are the three little permanent blue “beauty spots” to mark places on my abdomen for the radiotherapy alignment, so the sessions can be quick and accurate. Although the spots should fade over time, it’s sort of a pre-cursor of the permanent “marks” that the radiotherapy will have on my body. The main one being the effect on my ovaries. Even though there are exceptions to every rule, the amount of the dose I will be undergoing stops the function of the ovaries in 95% of women (or so). I did always say that I want to adopt anyway... Perhaps, this will be the only “permanent mark” of the radiotherapy on my body. I’m not sure. What I am sure, however, is to want to do as much as possible to cure the cancer and to help avoid the recurrence. I’m not sure I would have as much optimism and faith if or when it returns.
But now, the sun is shining and I am hopeful we are on the right track to recovery. Although, I still have to wait until my treatment begins. In the meantime I will try to keep you posted about my hopes and worries while describing the process and progress of waiting.
17-06-11
Sometimes, I wish I could just run away, run away from it all. Disappear from here somewhere, where the sun is shining bright all the time, day and night, where reality loses its meaning. Sometimes, I wish things were a little less complicated and this life a bit less of a roller-coaster. But, I have to be strong, I made some promises I need and want to keep. I want to be strong and face the reality. It is nice to disappear into the realm of dreams, although only temporarily.
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Two weekends and a work week divide me from the Monday when my treatment begins. Mixed feelings, a bit of a worry, but I can’t wait to begin. The earlier it starts, the better it should be and I will feel we are doing something to battle this thing. And I have been waiting long enough. Too long maybe. It’s been dragging for weeks since my diagnosis, months since my problems began. But I know, these things need time to be planned and planned well, exactly to my specific needs. Tests needed to be done to find out as much about the tumour as possible through scans only.
I don’t know what the treatment will do to me and no one can really predict or guarantee that the results will be all positive. However, such is life. We take risks every day, for bettering ourselves, to have a better life and in this case it can prolong the life and improve its quality. Living with cancer definitely isn’t easy and I can imagine that more advanced and developed it becomes, the quality of life diminishes drastically. Like (probably) all other people going through similar things, I too want to be cured, want to have a longer opportunity to live and live fully…
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