It has been few weeks since I received the news that will define the rest of this year, if not the rest of my life. I was hoping that 2011 was going to be the year when my career finally transitions into the level that I had long awaited and I will be able to truthfully say: “I love my job.” I was well on track with the preparation and working on the strategy and steps to make my creative skills and abilities more marketable when the news arrived.
It wasn’t a totally unexpected blow from heavens such as some other tragedies may be. There were signs. It all began with subtle symptoms that gradually progressed and worsened bit by bit. Of course, these symptoms could have had many explanations; they could be the result of several different health conditions. But, it took a couple of visits to general practice doctors before they recommended me to a specialist. Several months, one basic exam and flexible sigmoidoscopy later, I found out I will need a surgery to remove “a lesion” from the inside of my colon. The news was worse than I expected (as I’ve never even stayed in the hospital myself). Prior to that I had become to think I have colitis or something similar based on researching the symptoms online. I really did not expect that the surgery would be a necessity. Although to be honest, there were moments during the time before the “diagnosis” when I was suspecting the worse possibilities/causes of my problems. However, I managed to persuade myself, even if for a certain period of time, that I am just being paranoid.
Perhaps, I should really listen to and trust these instincts of mine, this certain kind of “sixth” sense, more. Even the dreams warned me two times before I finally went to the doctor. But by knowing me, you would probably know that I avoid doctors until they are really necessary. I guess it runs in the family. It might have not been the best case scenario in this instance...
After few days since finding out about the necessity of the surgery, I came to terms with the news and felt more comfortable about it. After all, people undergo surgeries all the time and live after them the same way, sometimes even better, as before. I didn’t really expect that the results of biopsy would make any difference to what I already knew... Until I haven’t heard back from the nurse as promised. It was a day after and couple of my own attempts at reaching her, when she said those words: “It is a cancer.”
My world had spun several times around in the matter of seconds. Parts of my life surfacing in front of my eyes. Am I going to die? Soon? How soon? I am not ready to die! I know we all die sooner or later and none of us exactly knows when. But...the tears were rolling down my cheeks, my body trembling as a result of some psycho-physical and chemical reaction. It truly felt surreal. Yes, it crossed my mind before that it is cancer, but I almost ridiculed myself for the thought. Others were skeptical, too. “It just can’t be...” It still felt surreal, perhaps the most surreal I had ever felt in my life. You hear it all the time, you read about it everywhere and I’ve even known people who have had and gone through cancer themselves. But it never came so close, never felt so close. These days one in three or four people develops some type of cancer at some point during their lifetime. How crazy this statistic is? Yet we still somehow think or hope we will not be one of those “chosen” ones.
The news has slowly sunk in and became the part of my reality. The whirlwind of emotions was strong. From utter helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, fear, true and honest fear, confusion, questioning... I cried. I meditated. I prayed for strength. I prayed for cure. I cried some more. People made me smile and comforted me and it helped me to calm down and accept the reality. Whatever happens happens for a reason. Whatever that reason might be, whatever the outcome of it all may be. Only time will show.
It wasn’t the end, it is not the end. MRI and CT scans followed as well as the longest 40 hours or so. Waiting for a death sentence. It did feel like it at moments. Has the cancer spread to other organs, or is there still a chance for cure? Do I have 90% chance of cure and survival, or am I one of those less fortunate “less than 10%” group?
It has not spread. Finally, a bit of positive news in these complicated weeks. I’m not one of those patients with the earliest diagnosis; however I have a good chance at cure and getting back to “normal.” I truly felt I wasn’t ready to leave. There is still too much I would like to do, experience and accomplish. Hopefully, I will have plenty of time to at least attempt doing these things. I am optimistic. I know that coming weeks, months really, will not be easy and there will be moments when I will probably feel miserable and tired. However, I am optimistic and (right now) I am in peace with whatever the result will be. I haven’t begun the treatment yet, but it should begin within few weeks. The fight will begin. I will undergo radio and chemo therapy before the surgery. Then, the surgery will tell what is next, what will follow. It will take months, but for the prospect of being cured and healthy again, it might not be such a big price to pay. We shall see. I will hope and pray for full recovery. In the meantime, I cherish and enjoy every day, every little thing. The sun shining, bee flying from flower to flower, clouds making their own impressions of things, children laughing, breeze playing with my hair, every new sight, every pleasant scent, warm feeling on my cheeks, peaceful serenity, even my own melancholy. It’s easy to complain, but it will make no change. Life is to be lived.
Be thankful for even the little things.
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