5th October 2011

Is my nightmare of 2011 over? I truly hope so. I know it hasn’t been as much of a nightmare as so many of other, more serious and alarming issues in the world. I know people go through so many and so much worse things in life every day. Still, the last several months have not been easy for me either. It’s been a bad dream that seems to be over, even if for now.


My bad dream began toward the end of the last year when certain symptoms began surfacing to my attention. It didn’t seem as anything “that” serious at first, but as these symptoms gradually worsened so did my general well-being. I became increasingly uncomfortable, tired and perhaps more boring, too. However, the really difficult part of it all began in May with my diagnosis. After that some difficult months were to follow.

Fortunately for those certain people who really tried to be there for me however they could and made me feel cared for, I had enough strength to face all the smaller and bigger roadblocks that were falling in my way. The first and the biggest one, besides being sick, was losing one person that had mattered to me the most for many years. He had been my partner and best friend, as I had thought up until the time it all fell apart. As it turned out, I wasn’t the most important person in his life anymore. Perhaps, I had never been such person for him, but only he knows the real truth about that. He was there for me the first week or two after the news of my diagnosis, but the distance of his wandering mind became too apparent as it all sunk in. He just could not pretend anymore. In the worst time possible, for me anyway, my heart had shattered into pieces, my confidence in love and trust dropping to almost none.

I know these things happen every day and in all the different ways possible, good and horrible. But, funny enough, they happen when you least expect it. I have known this fact for ages now, but still it is always a surprise when it happens. Things do always happen when you least expect them and it goes for both good and bad things.

My heart is still broken, but I do have a "newly found" freedom, when I can make decisions purely based on what I alone think and want. I now have more time for myself and for trying to figure out how to make my dreams a reality as soon as my condition allows it. It wasn’t easy not to have that special person by my side when I needed it most, but I guess, sometimes, we are supposed to go through certain things “alone.” Of course, I was not totally alone and even though many people could not be by my side in person because of the great distances, they showed their support as they could. They all know who they are (I hope) and I am forever grateful for all their kind words, thoughts, prayers, etc. Without them this journey towards healing might have had been too much.

But, most importantly, holding onto my belief and focusing on getting better with the help of treatments and the operation were the biggest forces behind overcoming this illness. And even though, there were hints of doubt present every now and then, I refused to accept any of them. I know we never know what tomorrow brings, but as one wise person and one of my personal inspirations had said: “Hope dies (as) last.”


It is 5th of October, two weeks after my operation, my grandma’s (from my father’s side) birthday, 4 months before my own birthday. The day as any other, but the phone ringing reminds me of the news I’m supposed to receive. And as expected, it is my nurse from the hospital, checking up on how I’m doing and how I’m coping with the effects of the operation. Then she says, “I have a good news, a great news, in fact. You won’t need any more treatment.” The pathology results came in today and they revealed I am “cancer-free” now. Of course, there are no real guarantees that it will not return later on, but for now, I’ve been cured. What a great sentence to hear and say. How amazingly happy and relieved it makes me to know that I don’t need to go through any more treatment. The pre-operation treatment was a great success, it shrunk the tumor considerably which made it easier for the surgeon to take out all the sick tissue and parts remaining.

Today, I feel truly blessed. Today, I won my fight with cancer. Although, I still have to go through another smaller operation, will need to recover and watch my body and health more closely now, I can start returning to a more “normal” life again. When all the wounds heal.